Something Different

Hi All,

Sorry for the delay between posts, I have something a little different for you tonight and I just thought I might give you all a bit of a heads up before we get too far into it. I have some friends (who I know have glanced at this blog) who do not believe in God or do not believe in the God that I believe in. You all know that I love you more than anything and I feel that it is only right to let you know that this post will be all about one of my own personal journeys with God while I have been home. While I hope you go on to read this post to give you more insight into me, I in no way expect you to read it. I would love thoughts and feed back from anyone who does continue reading and hope that you get to know me a little bit better through this.

So while I have been back I have had some really interesting readings and conversations about Gods mercy and grace and how those things fit with him sending Jesus to die on the cross for us. When I have looked at these sorts of things in the past I guess I assumed that I understood them just because of the pure saturation of those things in the early (very early) years of bible teachings that I had. Because I 'know' the Easter story (what an appropriate time for me to have this epiphany) I thought I knew what it was about, and maybe once upon a time, as a small innocent child who had few if any sins to forgive, I did. I think that when I got older and I stopped walking the path that God wanted and then I found my way back to the path I just assumed that I was all good, that coming back to the path was the easy part and that the staying on it would be hard.

I think that being here and really concentrating on myself for a bit helped me to realise that because I didn't truly understand the Easter story I had yet to truly find the path.

I feel like for the last few years I have been walking on the shadowy reflection of the true path, while I am still walking in the right direction I am walking just off to the side of the path in a section all covered with fog. I guess the implications of this really lay in the fog, the fact that I have yet to step onto the true path means that I have found it very easy to get tripped up with things that are hiding in the fog. I know that the true path is just as bumpy and tricky to navigate as the foggy one that I walk but because it has less fog it is that much easier to avoid tripping and falling.

I think what I neglected to realise is that JESUS DIED FOR OUR SINS (in capitals to emphasise things for me and not necessarily to emphasise them for you, well maybe to help you understand what on earth I am rambling about). JESUS’ DEATH FOR OUR SINS MEANS THAT WE ARE FORGIVEN, not a little bit forgiven, not kind of sort of forgiven, not forgiven for the little stuff but still held accountable for the things we are most ashamed about, instead we are FORGIVEN in the complete sense of the word.

I didn’t realise until this trip home that there are so many things I still feel ashamed and bad about (these are the things that create the fog on the path I am walking) because in my mind if I cannot forgive myself then how could anyone else forgive me? How arrogant is that? How dare I assume that God is on the same level as me, or that I am on the same level as him? I have trouble forgiving myself because I AM human, with all the imperfections that being human entails, what I have clearly failed to take into account is that GOD IS NOT HUMAN, God is GOD.

John 3:16 (NIV)
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

How embarrassing that it has taken me 25 years to BEGIN to understand exactly what that means. My God, my father in heaven loved me enough to send his one and only son to die for and save me from my sins. When I opened my heart at the start of my journey to re-commit to Christ, to accept Jesus and follow him I was FORGIVEN, holding onto my self-hatred and my shame and the pain that I feel I deserve, can only serve to help the devil in his plans. I guess part of my journey from now on is learning to let go of the past. To strive every day to do my best to honour God and not to make the mistakes of my past. To believe in myself and always remember that there is only one true God and that he is a LOVING and FORGIVING God, in the pure GODLY sense of the word.


I know that was a bit intense (at least it was for me writing it) I just don't think that it had ever occurred to me to question what I really 'know' that I believe. I hope that this has touched some of you in some way and helped you to understand me and my journey a little better.

Until next time all :D

Cheers Cleo.